I am seriously obsessed with Don’t You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia. Still. Right now.
So it’s today! When I said I would talk about it’s not all bad. It isn’t. Today was a great day and super inspiring.
All we did today was eat. I ate with Philipp’s family and one of his family’s friends. That’s it.
I woke up, ate brunch, watched the Minecraft documentary (which is amazing–I love notch and Mojang.), then we ate dinner. It was so delicious. Turkey, rice, gravy-stuff (ingredients truly unknown as usual.), and fruit which had been buttered and had bread crumbs on it and cooked AND THAT SHIZ WAS SO GOOD I COULDN’T NOT EAT IT. They even talked in English so I felt involved. I drank beer and wine (as usual) and enjoyed myself. Such good food. Philipp’s family (along with P as well) are seriously one of the most respectable host families (I guess that’s the term) I could ask for here. The negatives of abroad life have nothing to do with them. They have been nice to the extreme while I’ve been here. I can’t wait to get them gifts tomorrow to show my respect. They rule. I’ll miss them for six months.
But as I sit here in my complete food coma, I realized something. About life and myself. About a big flaw I have. It’s not apparent at home, well… it doesn’t really show that often.
Man I just watched some Rebel Wilson interviews for no reason. Okay back to this. WHAT WAS I SAYING.
Alright, curtain time. Reveal the stage, set up the show. So this is honestly the first time I’ve ever been disconnected from everything I know. Family, friends, sometimes even the actual Internet. Even when I went away to college… I went 20 miles down the road. Security blanket, meet the guy who’s been wearing you as a Harry Potter invisibility cloak for years without knowing it. Keeping me safe, keeping me comfortable. Keeping me sheltered.
And that’s it. I’m super sheltered and I keep myself that way sometimes. I’ve even done that here… kept myself from doing something under the pretense I didn’t want to risk doing it. I hate that but sometimes it’s necessary for my psyche. So I let it happen. But I sorta regret it, sorta don’t. So the sheltered thing… it’s crucial to myself. It’s everything. I mean it’s how I live my life. I don’t risk anything really at all. I just keep comfortable. And this trip has shown me that, almost tried to force myself out of the comfort pocket I lie in. It did sorta, and I pushed back hard. I failed, I got sad and mad and angry. I introverted so hard. But that’s the magic keeping me safe. Magic can be broken with love. Don’t you guys watch Once Upon A Time?!
I’m sheltered in life in many aspects. I mean even with my friendships and non-existent love relationships. I literally avoid them under the false pretense to keep myself safe. Honestly I admire any bro or gal who risks themselves with their opposite attractor for the final goal of love. It’s the risk that’s worth the goal. You win… even when it doesn’t work out. At least you lived your life to the fullest. I just watched from the bleachers with my popcorn. I live through film, I live through television while my own life… just creeps forward all by myself.
This is going at the top of my New Years resolutions. To fix myself, fix this problem. Take the damn blanket off and run around naked. Let myself live. Let myself be happy sometimes (in the area of love and true life happiness.)
So the hurt abroad is a deep hurt sometimes because it strikes a pain that’s hidden directly. I’m letting myself feel soon. It’s done next year. It’s done.
That’s it. Thanks for reading this.Seriously. You win. You rule.
Tell me you read it! I enjoy that.